Time? Not entirely sure. It’s somewhere between when the orange line on the horizon begins to form and when the sun finally pops up over the eastern ridges. We are camped just outside of Bumblebee, Arizona. It’s cold. I’ve been sitting next to the fire more or less since that orange began to form on the horizon and don’t have big plans to leave it any time soon.
Any time soon, except for the fact that it’s that time and that requires leaving the fire. As I head out to do my thing, I have two goals. The first should be obvious, but the second is to be able to do the first and return to the campfire without getting cactus in my ass. Based on my surroundings, that may be more difficult than you think.
Luckily, I am an experience desert rat and this ain’t my first rodeo. I took mental notes of the situation and have provided you here with an almost foolproof quide to make sure you are capable doing your thing and not getting cactus in your ass.
Step 1: Gather the Supplies
The necessities should go without saying, but this is an all-inclusive guide so for those in the back who don’t know. You are going to need three items.
- Spade
- Your choice of wiping tool
- Way to transport used wiping tool back out of the desert. A small zip lock works great.
Step 2: Check the Lay
The desert presents many challenges when one must heed the call. The first one is finding a place that is sufficiently private. Unlike other biomes, the desert flora tends to have less leaves, less bushy stuff, less branches, essentially less stuff to help cover up your ass so the people you are camping with don’t see you shittin’ in the woods desert.
This brings us to step 2, before even heading out to do battle, take in your surroundings. The desert tends to have lots of texture. You want to use that texture to your benefit. Look for arroyos (that’s close to the border speak for a wash), hills, knolls, canyons, low spots, whatever. If you can find a way for the land to cover your ass, then you don’t have to try and think skinny thoughts while trying to poop behind an ocotillo.
Also, take into consideration that this texture is mostly created from water flowing when it does happen to fall from the sky. You don’t want to poop where it is going to get washed down stream at the very next sprinkle.
Once you have identified a possible spot, double checked that there isn’t some curmudgeon living behind that rock or down in that hole, take your bearings and head out.
Step 3: Watch your Step
Before you even get the chance to poop in the desert without getting cactus in your ass, you’ve got to get to your spot without getting cactus in your foot.
If’n you’re a beginner in all things desert, I would recommend something sturdy for your footwear. When I mean sturdy, I basically mean don’t head in wearing slippers, sandals, flip flops, Toms, those five finger toes bullshit shoe things or moccasins. These will all increase your chance of having a cholla sticking out of your big toe within the first couple of steps.
Speaking of cholla. As you begin your trek, keep in mind that everything that is on the ground came from the flora that is growing out of the ground (well, almost everything. You’ll probably run into a bunch of mouthbreather debris like High Life cans, baby diapers and mattresses as well). This means that it is prickly. Not only is it prickly, but it most likely evolved to stab you and then stay stabbed in.
Cholla is a prime example of this. To propagate itself, little pods fall (some say jump) off of the main cactus. These will either dry out leaving a bunch of needles around, get caught in some unsupespecting jack ass going to take a dump, or grow to be a big, beautiful cactus (BBC). These are often referred to as jumping cactus because if you get even close to them, you will probably end up with one stuck to you.
Don’t get close. Be careful. Watch your step.
For expert level desert poopers, try going in with sandals. Are you a pro? Try it barefoot…
Step 4: Watch your Soils
The desert is defined by the lack of water or relative lack. This means anything that resembles dirt was probably washed or blown out way before you even thought about being born. And that which is still there is anchored by some sort of flora. This presents two issues for a desert pooper. First, it can be a challenge to dig a proper cat hole. Second, you gotta tiptoe through the crypto.
I won’t get too into the second. Suffice it to say that you need to be able to identify it and stay the fuck off of it. Why? cuz Moose said so.
Back to the first, as you’re doing your best not to get cactus stuck in your big toe, pay attention to the soils that surround you. Chances are there are certain spots that have more than others. Digging a hole through what was once a river bottom isn’t easy and can lead to premature filling. It doesn’t take a genius to identify a pattern of where there is dirt and where there isn’t. You’re looking for where it is.
As you near your chosen spot (refer to Step 2 if you’ve forgotten), identify a place that looks to have more soil than not. Double check your surroundings for curmudgeons and/or other mouthbreathers, desert dwellers, mountain lions or dogs. Once you are clear, move on to the next step.
Step 5: Dig a Cathole that makes you Proud
Pull out your spade. When in the backcountry, front country or wherever it is that you are digging a cathole to poop in, the most important thing to remember is that you should be able to say that you are proud of what you dug.
It’s gotta be deep, 6-8 inches minimum. Use your spade as a measuring tool. It is a great depth gauge. If your hole isn’t deep enough to completely cover your spade, it’s probably not deep enough. If you can go deeper, why not. Be sure to place the dirt you are excavating off to the side, you don’t want to pee on it and you’ll need it to cover things back up.
In the desert, you will want to take extra care to ensure that your hole isn’t too close to anything prickly. It’s not a huge deal to have a little cheatgrass tickle your ass when you squat, but you do not want cactus in your ass. As a general rule, you will want to be a few feet away from anything that you would describe as looking mean. This is the most important step if you don’t want cactus in your backside. You got yourself to this spot without it in your toe, but poor location choice will make you forget all about that and force your co-campers to have to look at your ass while extricating the splines. Just be careful. Common sense will go a fuck of a long way in this instance.
As this is the most important step, a quick recap. Dig a hole that makes you proud. It needs to be deep. And be sure that hole isn’t too close to anything prickly. Easy peasy.
Step 6: Do the Thing
This is what you came for, squat and do your thing.
I assume this is self-explanatory so I will take this time to ask a question. Have you ever missed your hole? My memory isn’t that great, but I can’t remember a time that I did and I have pooped in countless catholes. This brings me to hypothesize that this is one of the most human things we can do. It doesn’t take much thought, you don’t have to line it up and adjust. You just kind of take a bearing, squat and magically, your brain has you in the right spot. Curious if anyone experiences this differently and I’ve just been lucky. Comment below.
Step 7: Pack out the TP
Don’t fight me on this. You can either be a responsible human being and pack out your TP or someone else is eventually going to have to deal with your shit. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s easy to do and keeps the desert and other environs from being covered in poopy TP.
Hopefully, you followed the steps and you can simply place your TP in your zip lock and haul it out. No big deal.
If you didn’t gather your supplies properly as described in Step 1, we’ve still got you covered. Whatever your chosen tool for wiping is, it is a barrier to poop. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be using it. Place a few squares of TP or a wipe on the ground. Clean yourself properly and place the TP on those squares. When you are all done, carefully roll up the TP around the used stuff and you’ve got yourself a nice little nugget to dispose of and you didn’t even get any of it on you.
Congratulations you have done the bare minimum.
Oh yea, don’t forget to cover your hole and make it look natural.
Step 8: Smile, Drink more Coffee, Repeat as Necessary
Now that you’ve done your thing, your hole is covered and your TP is ready to be properly disposed of, you simply reverse your route back to the campfire. Be careful where you step (Refer to Step 3). You don’t want the return journey to be when you get something stuck in your foot.
Once back to the fire, smile. Pour yourself some more coffee and enjoy the rest of your morning. If you’ve followed these steps successfully, you won’t be looking for tweezers and asking your best friend to pull cactus out of your ass.
Did you get to this point and then realize you aren’t in the desert and have other issues? No worries, this is part of a series of guides and we probably got you covered.
P. L. and R.
