My legs are burning and my knees feel like they are going to explode. My pants are around my ankles and I’m hovering over a hole I dug in desperation just moments earlier. If I were to try and find a golden lining to my current situation it would be the view, because not everything about shitting in the woods is bad.
However, it’s hard to find a silver lining when shitting in the woods involves the addition of thousands of tiny vampires that just want a bite of your nether regions (warning: if your nethers make you uncomfortable, this guide may not be for you). Having defecated in the forest, and forests filled with mosquitos at least once in the past week, I felt my expertise might help some poor soul keep from having the worst experience of their lives.
Step 1: Mental Preparation
As most things go, it’s best to start with a little planning and preparation to ensure that things sail smoothly. In this particular instance, it can mean things go perfectly or you end up chasing your toilet paper down a hill with your pants around your ankles because that breeze turned into a wind and now things are air born. I realize that sometimes nature calls and you don’t get the option to answer or not, but outside of those times, prep is key.
I prefer the “I’m having coffee and we’ll see where this goes” method. I’ve seen the “up and at ’em” method which seems to work well for those involved. The point is to have a method and use it as a way to prepare yourself for the epic battle that lies ahead.
My method is simple. You wake up. You get your coffee going. Having a glass or two of water doesn’t hurt and is definitely a good idea, especially if you are planning to hike all day. As you sip your coffee, take some time to contemplate what you are about to do. There is nothing meaningless about it. It takes a special kind of grit to drop your trousers with a swarm of thirsty bugs around you. It’s something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy and yet, you are about to do it willingly.
This also gets you used to the swatting motion that is going to be essential in the next few steps.
Step 2: Gather the Supplies
We have manufactured a way of life that is entirely built around convenience. Doing your duty in a mosquito filled stand of trees is anything but. At a minimum, you are going to need three things: a trowl, toilet paper and a plastic bag.
Trowl choice is important. Granted, at this point you probably only have one choice, the one you brought. However, if you are prepping for your next trip make sure you have a spade that can cut through small roots, isn’t going to break and is light enough that you don’t end up leaving it in the car when you do that last hoist test before hitting the trail.
I assume toilet paper is obvious. I’m not hardcore enough to use a pine cone, but if that is you, go for it. Once at your spot, be sure to set your TP in a convenient location so that it is at the ready. You certainly don’t want to be searching once you are swatting mosquitoes off your ass.
The plastic bag might make you scratch your head and make you wonder what we are going to put in said bag. Well, unless required, you don’t have to shit in it, just put your shitty paper in it. When you passed that sign at the trailhead that said, “Pack it in. Pack it out.” Did you notice it didn’t say, “Pack it in. Pack it out unless you can find some reason not to?” No, you didn’t notice that did you because that’s not what it said. It’s pretty easy to know if you should pack out your paper. Just read the signs. The poor rangers are going to have to pack it out if you don’t. And every time you see someone else’s paper, remember that they probably thought they had done their due diligence as well.
Step 3: Choose Your Spot
You should consider three things when picking your spot: privacy, soil and proximity to water.
Privacy is pretty basic. I know there are a few of you freaks out there that enjoy having someone watch, but outside of you, this is something that can be kept to yourself.
To be able to dig a hole a man can be proud of you, you are going to need some dirt. You might assume that there is dirt everywhere, especially in the forest, but there is not. Often times that dirt is nothing more than pine needles stacked on pine needles stacked on rocks stacked on pine needles. I like to look for spots that have a slope allowing some soil to build up. As you dig, mind where you place the removed soil, you’re going to need it in a minute. I like to dig and place it to the side, not in the front, that’s where you pee.
And lastly, make sure you aren’t close to water. This is two-fold when there are squeeters in the region. You don’t want to contaminate the water and the farther you are from it, the less likely you will end up with a pimply rump.
Step 4: Setting the Trap
Up to this point, you have been simply preparing for the main event. All of this prep has been done in the presence of the most annoying creature on earth, the mosquito. You probably already have some bights and your swat game should have a technique named after it, but now is when it really counts.
There are a couple of methods, I prefer the Squat and Swat method. This is basically what you would think. Instead of sitting down and opening your newspaper, you squat and spend the next few moments frantically waving your hands around your now bare flesh. Seeing that you are engaged in an epic defense of the indefensible, it is wise to wear as much other clothing as possible. Put your mosquito net over your face, wear a jacket and pants, this leaves a smaller area to defend while you’re trying to do what is required.
And in the middle of this chaos that you have created, be sure to take a few moments to look up. The view is gonna be bitchin’ and even if you are being eaten alive by a million tiny insects, it will be hard not to laugh at yourself as you sit bare-assed in the woods waving your arms around like you’re attempting to ward off alien invaders to save the world.
P. L. and Revolution.
