Come on in my children. It’s time to sit and listen to the wise words of your aged and honest Uncle Knuckler. I did some much needed research on the subject of Making Cycling Difficult. We all know that bike riding isn’t inherently dangerous or difficult. With that in mind, it’s important to take steps to ensure that you suffer the way you should suffer when searching for the clarity of mind that only comes through, well, suffering.
Below you will find an easy five step process to ensure that your ride provides you with all the suffering necessary
1. Injure chest to make breathing difficult.
There are thousands of ways that you can go about accomplishing this first vital step. For the purposes of this lesson, we will stick to the one I used. Last weekend, the old Mooseknuckler-mobile could be seen parked at the top of Blow Hard. This was because we were riding Blow Hard. As I mentioned in the post that detailed said ride, Blow Hard drops and drops fast. At one point, the trail has been ridden into a groove leaving a foot or so of a lip on each side. This coincides with a fast section of trail.
I knew I need a way to cause my breathing to hurt. So I let me front wheel wander just enough that it washed out and caught that lip. This sent me hurtling through the air and before I even knew what had happened I was slammed into the ground, right shoulder first. It left me without any air in my chest for a couple of seconds. I got back up slowly, checked that nothing was broken and once my breath returned, I felt some aches but not any real pain. I brushed myself off and got my pedal back on.
It wasn’t until we were putting the bikes in Casa Zen Mobile that I felt an extremely sharp pain in the upper right part of my chest. At first it was only when I lifted my arm and has now progressed to any time I lie down or try to do just about anything, especially breath deeply. Filling my chest with air feels like someone is stabbing me in the side.
Step 1, accomplished.
2. Ensure to think you are camping where you are supposed to, but be somewhere completely different.
The idea to ride Rainbow Rim was actually planted in my brain by one Brandon Price. He’s my insurance guy. Seeing that I had recently acquired the new and improved Mooseknuckler-mobile, I was obliged to stop by his office and add said truck to our policy. I’ve known Brandon for a few years and he came out to chat. He mentioned that he was going to be riding the Rim for the first time and invited me along. Being of mental fortitude, it quickly became my plan as well. I enlisted Beans-n-Rice and we were in.
Brandon was staying at the Jacob’s Lake Inn and BNR and I were planning on camping at Parisswampits. We stopped by the Inn to drop off a tire that had become needed on the drive over. The plan changed during this stop and we were to camp at Timp where Brandon and his posse would meet us the next morning. At which point, we were going to drive up to Parriswampits and ride to Timp. And then shuttle back to the truck. It was a fail proof plan.
BNR and I stopped once we hit the dirt road and got opened some refreshing beverages to finish out our drive. The new truck handled like a champ and we were quickly barreling down the road with a care in the world. We passed the turn off to Parisswampits, followed by Fence and Locust. When we saw the fork that takes one to either Timp or North Timp, we were deep in conversation and kind of just blew past the sign. I looked at BNR and asked, “It was this way to Timp, right?” He just looked back and responded, “I don’t know.” I said, “It’s best to not second guess.” And on we went.
We reached the camp site just before the trailhead that the Alliance had used a couple of years prior. No one was there and a good pile of firewood was at our disposal. It never occurred to me to think about that trip or to make sure we were at Timp.
We woke up early, had some breakfast and then waited. And waited. And waited. It hadn’t been made clear if we were meeting at 8 Utah time or Arizona time. 8 came and went and then came and went again. After waiting for 2.75 hours, we geared up and headed out. Blowing past the trailhead sign and made the 6.5 miles to Locust in good time. Things didn’t feel right. BNR was looking at the trailhead sign. I couldn’t see what it said so I asked. Yup, we were at Locust meaning we had started at North Timp and not Timp which may or may not explain why Brandon never showed. (It does explain why he never showed)
This is important because we waited for 2.75 hours. After the first hour, we got bored. And then we got more bored. Somebody remembered that we had cold beers in the cooler so we had one and then we had two. And then we went for a ride.
3. Make sure the ice chest is well stocked with beer.
This step is important for two reasons. 1. Beer is good and you should always have plenty of it on hand because that’s what good boy scouts do. B. If your ice chest isn’t well-stocked then you might think twice about having a couple of beers before going on a ride at 8 in the morning that is supposed to be around 36 miles. This is probably the most important step of all.
4. Plan your ride for a place that is at higher elevation.
Riding a bike will make you breath hard and deep. Riding at elevation amplifies that effect. The easiest way to ensure that you get enough suffering in, is to ride at higher elevation. This makes your body work over time simply to get oxygen. If you are new to Making Cycling Difficult and want to take baby steps in, you can use this step as step one. But then you lose the fun of not being able to get enough oxygen and having the sensation of being stabbed every time you draw a deep breath. In addition to those two items, having a buzz when you start riding is the added bonus.
5. Ride the singlespeed because it’s the only bike that makes sense.
If you have done steps 1-4, five isn’t necessary unless you are seasoned veteran looking for a sufferfest. Buzz, late start, high elevation and inability to breath deeply without pain are a perfect combination to ensure that you get that level of difficulty you are looking for. If it’s just not quite enough, throw in the singlespeed. This guarantees that every climb will feel like you are about to die and the downhills won’t go by quite as fast. There’s no grabbing a lower gear to aid in your ascent or give you a break as you pedal. Nope, it’s just you, your lack of oxygen and whatever fucking gear you happen to be pedaling.
Yup. Kids, that is how things are done. If you follow this lesson carefully, I can guarantee that you will suffer through your ride. But more importantly, when you are done you won’t feel like you’ve been cheated, rather you will have discovered that through pain one will know freedom and satisfaction.
P. L. and R.
