This Sunday’s service was Guacamole. No wafers and wine for the Church of the Holy Alliance of Mooseknucklers, at least not this weekend, no we ground ourselves up some hills and down the other side until our legs felt like guacamole. And then we drank a bunch of beer.
One of the main tenants of the Church of the Holy Alliance of Mooseknucklers is the need to share the almighty gospel of the bicycle with as many people as we possibly can. We all know that Shimano, the Japanese God of Cycling, has declared that the two-wheeled love machine will be what saves all of mankind. Without the pedal, there is no hope for salvation.
Chaco 3:16 reads, “Thou art a sinner, but if thou ridest hard, ye shall be forgiven.” I think that’s about as clear as any mud I’ve seen. Furthermore, it is imperative that we share this message of good cheer with all of our brethren so that we may all be forgiven and bask in the glow of burnt legs and a descent buzz.
It has always been one of my favorite things about working in a bike shop to see new riders come around and catch the stoke spirit. I couldn’t tell you how many times a day I hear, “I’m not a serious racer or anything.” or “I just ride for fun.” And I’m like, “No shit! that’s what I do, too. We should get together and not be serious sometime. We might find that bikes are a shit ton of fun if we don’t pretend like it’s a life or death situation, you know, going fast and stuff.”
So it was with great cheer and jubilation that the Church of the Holy Alliance of Mooseknucklers welcomed one Benjamin Crane to our services about a month ago. Benjamin first came into contact with the Alliance via our outreach program. It was an outreach program because we were trying to get as far out of reach from society by strapping everything that we would need for a week and head into the Yosemite backcountry. If you remember, he was the one brushing his teeth in the parking lot of Denny’s.
He joined our services on a loaner bike (my enduro, it’s one hell of a loaner bike) and we introduced him to the mesas via the West Loop on the Creek which is Little. He struggled but the stoke was high. And by struggle, I mean he did way better than expected for someone being thrown onto their first bike ride in ages on a borrowed bike. Then we took him to Ride the Goose after a light night of drinking at the Lounge. He had a very spiritual experience as he prayed as time ceased to exist and he slowly was thrown all the way over the top of the bike.
It was at this point that Benjamin started talking about getting a bike. A date was set for him to come in and get one, but a time was left out. Anyway, he got a bike and this weekend was its first voyage to a mesa. As mentioned we rode Guacamole.
Services included just about everything that you can ride up there. We did miss one section due to me not realizing there was a fork and riding right past it. What can you do? My favorite part about this ride was hearing, every ten minutes or so, a giggle from Benjamin and then, “This is so much fun.” Yup, aint nothin’ better than bringin’ a nother soul to their salvation…
As with all Sunday Services, we hunkered down out of the wind and enjoyed ourselves a few beers.
Originally, one Sir Prattipus was supposed to be joining us for Church for the first time in ages. But another calling he did hear and we were forced to commune on Monday. Travis was in company as well.
The plan was similar to the day before, ride bikes and then enjoy some beer.
We rode bikes. We went uphill. We went downhill. We turned left, went over the rock and then turned right. It was pretty sweet.
We did encounter a rare phenomena that I personally had not had the pleasure of enjoying. On the mesas, there are, on occasions, pockets of quick sandstone. Quick Sandstone is similar to quicksand, but it is actual rock. Up until yesterday, I knew that this existed, but I had never seen it.
I heard a yell and turned around to find that Bryce was missing. I smartly turned around to find out what had happened. I found Prattipus with nothing but his head above the quick sandstone.
Being that this is such a rare thing, I snapped a picture before helping him extract himself from the pit. We were all very thankful that Bryce knew how to react in this situation. Had he struggled, we would have never seen him or his bike again. It is imperative, in these instances, to be perfectly still so that you don’t sink further in than you will by your own weight. The one nice thing about quick sandstone is that it doesn’t mess up your bike so, if you get out, you can continue your ride.
Which we did.
Out to the rim, where we stopped to gaze upon the cattle below us, the petrified sand dunes before us and our bikes beside us.
And that was all the Guacamole we could take.
P. L. and R.
