I woke up this morning feeling like my entire body was tied in a knot. After quickly doing a self assessment, I realized that I was laying straight and it was due to the riding that I did yesterday. And by riding I mean barely hanging on to dear life while the handlebars were almost ripped from my grip. I then read the above twitter post and I realized everything in the world was going to be just fine, cuz I got tons of body hair.
Unfortunately my excessive body hair paired with my superior intellect did not keep me from riding my Cyclocross bicycle on single track yesterday. I suppose higher intellect has nothing to do with knowing trail conditions on a ribbon of dirt you haven’t seen in a few weeks, but then what good is it anyway? If a higher intelligence has nothing to do with omniscience then I want out.
But let’s be honest, you all come here to learn from me, so let’s get on with it.
Step 1
Spend the morning cutting and hacking away at the 100 year old mulberry that is laying in a thousand pieces in your yard. Play lumberjack with a chainsaw and make sure that the logs you are sawing are so wet that even the small ones are heavy. Ideally, you should see water spurting out of the log while sawing. Remember the old adage, the wetter, the better.
This should take you about three hours.
Step 2
After a morning of blissful lumberjacking, ask on social media if anyone is attending church. Of course, this is code for who wants to go for a ride. Once a ride destination has been chosen, decide to lay down in bed for just a few minutes. This will lead to you passing out and waking up about 6 minutes before you would need to leave to make it to church. And no one likes a sinner showing up ten minutes late and sitting on the back pew. What would the neighbors think?
When one wakes up 6 minutes before the time of departure, it is best to double check that all needed supplies are packed. Helmet? Gloves? Water? Tube? Inflation device? Socks? Yup, I think that will cover it.
Then speed your way to the trail head arriving about10 minutes late. Jump out of the car in a fury looking for your riding mates and in the same motion begin to get ready to ride. Grab your sucks and sho…e…s.Oh shit! At this point, you realize that your riding partners are no where to be seen and neither are their cars.
Make a quick phone call and find out that they are somewhere else waiting for someone else and won’t be there for a bit. Inform them that you have forgotten your shoes and will have to return for them.
Race home and get shoes.
Step 3
Plan for a ride that will take about an hour and a half at group ride pace or about ten miles, whatever you feel comfortable with. This means you don’t bring lights, you don’t bring more than one bottle of water and in Joey’s case, you don’t bring anything warm. Then, and this is the important part, once you have ridden for about twenty minutes find out that an extra section of trail is part of the plan. Then constantly debate among the group about whether or who is going to actually tack on the extra miles. Devise at least 17 different escape plans and then when it comes down to it, make sure everyone rides the extra section.
Step 4
Up to this point, there isn’t anything particularly out of the ordinary. Sure, having been given all the information needed and the above ingredients, you could devise a ride that hurts more than usual or if you put in some real effort, one that truly sucks. But as we’ve discussed in the past, suffering is just part of cycling so that would just be normal. No, if you want to make cycling especially difficult you need a little extra something, that secret ingredient that no one saw coming. If you’re a pro at this, it will be something that starts out as annoying and ends with you ready to punch a horse in the face.
For this to happen you need a couple of things. First weather, you need a random snow storm that has left the trail sloppy for the past couple of weeks. Second you need some dumb ass equestrians to ride said trail in said condition leaving divots that will rattle your teeth out.
Normally Prospector is perfect after a little rain storm. The exception to this is, as described above, when the horses hit it, leaving little huge horseshoe divots throughout the entirety of the trail. It’ll make you feel even better when you see that they were actually riding side by side because you can still see the other horse’s tracks off the trail. Ruin the tread and widen the damn thing, AWESOME!
Step 5
Come prepared to ride a buff, fast, beautiful section of single track meaning that you bring the bike with a high gear and no suspension. And to mix things up it is spec’d with those cantis you love so much so you get to ride in the drops the entire time in an attempt at getting some leverage on the levers.
And that should pretty much make your ride difficult. Success!
Bonus tip
When riding a cross bike on a trail riddle with horse bomb craters, there is a technique for keeping your teeth intact. This technique works better, the faster you go. So begin by pedaling hard and fast while in the drops. You always want to ride in the drops when hitting single track on a cross bike. Try it and you will agree. So as you pick up some serious speed, hit the divots in the trail. This will rattle the front and rear wheels of your bike in a fashion that will blur your vision, wreak havoc on your joints and make you wish you could punch a horse.
At this point, loosen your grip essentially making a C with your hand and maintain the handlebar within that C. This allows you to nudge the bike around obstacles and turns and allows the bar to shake violently without you feeling every bump. It’s not as good as suspension but it’s pretty damn close.
I’m pretty sure that technique was developed in part by my body hair.
P. L. and R.
