Looking back, it’s hard to believe I really cared, really gave a shit. I spoke the words, acted like what I was doing was for life, that somehow my ideals wouldn’t get lost in the debasement of growing up. I looked to others for support in continuing when all seemed lost. Without speaking, it was known that I was expecting to keep the faith, to carry the cross that I felt was strapped to my shoulders. For life.
Once I fell it was pointless to try and keep it all together. I acted concerned. I felt betrayed. Then one by one It all fell. There was no reason to continue to pretend that I was making any difference. There was no reason to even pretend. My imagination was deadened by the blow of countless hours watching the world evolve without changing. The pedal strokes soon became more of a symbol than an action and soon I was lost to my own designs and not worried about what was happening on the outside. On the outside of this thing we call life. I lost concern for tyranny, laughed about dictatorship and slowly lost my independence and became a slave to the thing I swore I would never serve, growing up.
Here I sit typing words that can be seen as the disillusionment of youth finally grasping the responsibilities of life. Here I sit typing out what I think has happened to me, happened to my freedom. I look at the countless acts of domestication that occur in my life. For God’s sake, I put up Christmas lights on my own home just a week ago. I sit here doing nothing.
It might seem strange that a line in a song can mean enough to open one’s eyes, it also seems slightly cliche, but here I sit thinking about that line in that song that woke me up just a few days ago. That forced me into self analysis and made me realize how spineless I had become. I drew my line in the sand and then stepped over it. Drew my line again, and stepped over it, until the only thing that was left was me standing on a beach with my ideals, freedom and ideas sitting behind lines that I had crossed leaving them behind for dead.
How disappointing to be sitting here typing my confession of having broke faith with my ideals. Nonetheless it must be done. And penance must be made.
I declare my sovereignty.