Cars suck. Yet, we are still a society of car lovers. Why do so many people love and hopelessly cling to this inefficient form of transportation? From behavioral studies conducted through observation by yours truly the following are the most common reasons.

Cars are big. They allow the less endowed segment of society a way to show their manliness and/or rank. People who love their cars for said reason are easy to identify. They drive big ass trucks that cost a fortune. Four-wheel drive is mandatory but so are low profile tires that make the four-wheel drive useless. The bigger and less utilitarian their automobile is the higher their social status and the smaller their package.

Cars go fast. This reason is demonstrated by a certain type of driver. They are those who have no where to go but have to get there within the next two seconds or their world will come to an end, literally. I’m not sure how these people get anything done. They are always in such a hurry to get somewhere that once they arrive, they hurry to get back to wherever the hell they came from.

Cars carry stuff. Now, we all know that a BOB trailer can carry a lot of shit, trust me I’ve tested its limits, but a car can carry more. This is one of the few times I see the necessity of an automobile, but this reason loses its merit when the only thing being carried is a 50 pound gut, which could be eliminated if a car wasn’t used to transport it.

Cars keep the bugs out of your teeth. Ah, something we can all stand behind, but who doesn’t love a few bugs in the morning. You can hardly consider eating bugs unethical if they ran into your face. I say splatted bug protein is the other white meat.

Cars are efficient. A reason with teeth but there is a problem here. They are not efficient. In terms of known forms of transportation, cars are one of the least efficient. If you consider how much a car weighs, a couple thousand pounds, and compare that to what it carries, usually one person around 200 pounds, how is that efficient? To think you need something multiple times bigger than you are to carry your sorry ass lacks logic.

Cars suck. After studying these five most common reasons to drive, I still can’t understand our desperate association with automobiles. They will be the death of us all. At least when things get bad those with cars can park in their garage and close the door. It will make the end easier.