The Late Edition of the Mooseknuckler News

This is the reason to live in SG.

There are lots of good reasons to live in Southern Utah. The above image not being the least of them which is why millions of people come here to visit and clog up our scenic backways with their rented sedans that are probably going to get stuck and/or lose a muffler in the process. But hey, it’s all about the adventure, right? I reside here for that exact reason. It’s kind of hard to justify leaving a place that everyone wants to go to. This is my back yard and has been for a long time. I like it here. Unfortunately, SG is not known for being a hub of cultural experiences and sometimes you just need to get out and enjoy some live music, a beer and be around people that have nothing in common with you. At least that’s how I understand the “cultural” thing. And besides, sometimes you just need to get your groove on. With that end we were excited to head to Springdale this past Saturday to enjoy some live, open air music and shake our derrieres. There were a couple of clues that this might not be the most exciting cultural event, even by Southern Utah standards. First, there was no website just a Facebook page and a spot on Zion’s event calendar. According to these sources, we knew that there would be a beer garden and live music. Granted there was little mention of who was actually going to be playing said live music. Oh yea, and there were to be comedians.

Picture totally stolen from the Facebook page for Rocktoberfest.
Picture totally stolen from the Facebook page for Rocktoberfest.

From the above photo you might think that things don’t look too bad. I mean there’s a tuba being played, people are enjoying some beer and it looks like there are other things happening outside of the photo. That’s where you would be wrong, this is the entire thing. When we were there, the music was a cover band. I don’t think cover bands are inherently bad. I enjoy rocking out to Chicano especially after a few beers, but for a cover band to be good, they have to be pretty much amazing. Amazing to the point that you don’t think you are listening to a band play someone else’s material. They need to put on a show and be a band, not just a bunch of dudes playing instruments together. The band that was playing, played other people’s music really well. But watching four fat guys play Def Leopard is not what I was hoping for. Did I mention they had wine. Yup, straight from Cedar City. I bring this up, because the music was boring and we didn’t even get a beer from the beer garden. Yup, culture Southern Utah style. While we may be lacking in the night life department, what we do have in spades are “news” outlets that have mastered inline or native advertising. Hell, we even have an entire magazine that is nothing but advertorials. But I digress. One of said journalistic outlets recently reminded me of one thing that is vitally important. That is whether or not a cyclist is wearing a helmet when they happen to end up on the hood of a four-wheeled coffin and also whether citations are to be filed or not. One of the first things you would learn if you went to school to get a degree in journalizing is the inverted pyramid style. This is the standard for writing news articles. You put the important stuff at the top, the meat of the story, if you will, so even if someone doesn’t finish the story they get the gist of what is happening in the world. Well, what was happening in SG was some dude got hit by a car. sgnewsAs the title tells you, a guy was riding a bike. Someone hit him. Now, they may both face citations. Earth shattering for sure. In the first paragraph we learn the age of the bike rider, but not his name. Also, the fact that both parties may be cited, but no mention of injuries. To find if the cyclist was injured, you would have to read all the way to paragraph eight. Paragraph two gives you all the details of the actual incident down to the color of bike he was riding, black and grey. But the absolute most important piece of information was included in the third.

Mason was not wearing a helmet, Holmes said.

I know for a fact that every time I have worn a helmet whilst riding my bike, I have not been hit by a car. Except that one time in Chile, when I was wearing a helmet and got hit by a car. Actually, based on my personal experience you are more likely to get hit by a car wearing a helmet than not wearing one . I’ve certainly never been hit by a car without a helmet on. One of the few constants in the universe is the fact that if you are riding your bike and get hit by a car, some journalist will let the world know whether or not you had your noggin covered with a plastic and foam shell. To finalize this edition of Mooseknuckler News, the most important thing of note (please note: I don’t follow inverted pyramids because I want you to have to read everything to know what the fuck I’m talking about), this Saturday is the Mooseknuckler Cup.

The Mooseknuckler Cup signed by J Wee Wee.
The Mooseknuckler Cup signed by J Wee Wee.

Seeing that el dia de todos los muertos is up and coming, we will be riding bikes dressed up like a bunch of crazy people riding bikes in costumes. Yup, it will be a moving theatre of avant-garde bicycle art, that or post modernism, you can pick. The date is the 25th. The time is 8 PM. The location is DSU by the fountain thingy, unless that’s no longer there and then just ride around until you see other people on bikes and yell at them because it will probably be us. And if we have any luck at all, it will be way more fun than listening to a cover band whilst sipping local wine without wearing a helmet. P. L. and R. M_C_A_LOGO_2

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